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star crossed buns

semantics wins again!

ISTUD ETIAM EXQUASITO?

stare into the eyes of god

certificate of completion! [Dec.28.2016 @ 12:23pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

this has been quite the "existential crisis". going on 15 years now.

i really was ATTACHED,.... wasn't i? =]

1 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

All is $elf [Dec.18.2016 @ 08:58am]


...may I be forgiven, so that I may forgive, so that All is forgiven, so that I am forgiven...?
3 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

Who I am [Jun.07.2016 @ 10:59am]
I am already free.
I am already good enough.
Its okay for me to want more even though I have everything I need already.
I allow myself to be what I already am.
I am feeling gratitude in every cell of the universe.
I am aware of the correspondence between this planet, this universe, and this body because I am a universe unto myself and others who are having the same experience of unity.
I am prepared to experience Freedom which allows me choice in feeling any way I desire.
Its okay for me to experience negative emotions and feelings and thoughts.
Its okay to be aware of negative emotions and feelings and thoughts because I am allowed.
I am able to be aware of emotions, feelings, and thoughts because I have created mental space through stillness practice.
I am able to relax and slow down and to breathe with loving rhythmic intention into these experiences.
I am allowed to experience this because I am loved over any judgements that I or anyone else projects.
Its okay to experience negative things because that shows me where to focus intention.
I am able to accept all versions of myself and hold that positive space for others.
My intention is to love myself and my family in the best way I am able.
I am choosing to be responsible for the way I feel and its OK to feel anyway I choose because I am allowed.
I am able to allow others to project negative conditions inside them, because it teaches me how to better love myself.
I am able to feel safe and love myself, because it allows me to better serve all of my family under any condition.
I am safe.
I am calm.
I am accepted.
I am accepting.
I am allowed.
I am allowed to feel safe.
Its okay.
I am okay.
2 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

going for indigo [Jan.16.2016 @ 10:35am]
I had a dream about Jody, Aidan, and (a shape shifting et al...need an abstraction for this kind of chameleon that changes from one person to another) ...it was poignant, but I don't remember why... I was an observer, purposely choosing not to be seen, some other aspect of me was there with me in some form I think... there is a lot of information to consciously analyze here if I would remember the dream in more detail... And yet I don't want to for some reason. I feel irritated and scared about it instead of excited to possibly remember it. =(

Maybe I just wanted motivation to come here. HOWDY =) ....its been a pretty much amazing great space coaster, alot of scary but way more Beauty and Release... and I could have reflected more here, but you know... convienence? "honor"? respect? something? I threw crumbs about on the FB, excitements and realizations, many of them, that will allow me to provide some details sometime someday , but those nows are gone and I only have and truly only need this beauty this gratitude, these times of transformation are wonderful, I am thankful to be living this Dream, this life, this absolute Wonder.... the story will be told or it won't... And if it is or isn't interesting to anyone else is not any of my business.

The only really important thing I want to remind you of... is... You are safe, i love you, And I am thankful for all your help.

I really am very very very proud of you. Keep focused OK? Please. And keep considering...teaching, or tunneling deeper or anything you want... and its OK. You have all the time you need, to harvest the beauty you seed (Yay!)...and Have fun. And work hard. Just do what you gotta do, and say whatever you feel like saying... *shrug*

And if anyone or anything really is getting lost in this shuffle, it is still OK... really. History repeats and rewrites itself at any given moment. All is well. Be as worn out as you feel like being or as creative as you are and desire to be... ***I Love you***, every amazing piece! I'm allowed!!! = ♡♡♡
make a confession

Who am I..? [Dec.01.2015 @ 09:06am]
"...what is the best possible thing I can be doing to cultivate a loving and healthy relationship with my sons?"

I fell asleep. Again. It is hard to put my finger on exactly what is so fucking scary about being a "man". Being a "dad" specifically.
Yet i feel I am too close to the surface with my issues, p r r H aps if they were better buried i could more easily fake it.

But....I've had a real hard time just attempting to manage my own life...pretending that I have any business serving as an example of responsibility is absurd...

The simple act of being "Responsible" is a pretty decent starting point for behavior anyone would want to instill in one's children. Right? How do I become more responsible? WHY am I so undisciplined? My life seems wasted.
make a confession

9th Life [Aug.27.2015 @ 12:15am]
maybe it does take me 12 years to fully "authenticate as a person", certainly as a daddy figure, as a "husband", as a son or brother, or even as a friend.



i would cry over lost time and the slow progress of this particular process if i had any more shits to give the observer. but i know it doesn't matter... and i don't have time to waste waxing over wasted time, and if i did I wouldn't bother. there are no more self imposed convictions... maybe I finally have grown up just a little?

***i am humbled and grateful to submit that I need these boys as much and probably much more than they need me***. especially right now. they are about to become men. as a blessed sperm donor, my sons have almost fully automatic mothers, which sounds like a denigration now that i type it. it doesn't matter though, we have been over this before. they are well taken care of. yay Moms! thank you Moms. so so much.

so.... i have been in the closet regarding my desires for being in their lives... why? because I didn't feel worthy of them? and because I knew my selfishness and time mismanagement and instability would supercede any structure i would need to provide? and its probably even much much deeper more shallow emotionally. from almost any point of view I simply wasn't ready and couldn't handle it. Immature. =(



but today it is official, ***9th Life***!!!
3 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

Noah day [Aug.26.2015 @ 11:11am]
September 1st, 2003, 11:52 pm

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well that is fucking rich.

so guess what? i am like a dad and stuff. well more like a father and the daddy part i think is something that will/should be earned. and make no mistake i intend to earn it. frankly there is no other way. its the nature of these things. our writhing bundle of joy was surcially removed from his mother's womb and announced his indiganation at 17:37 on august 28, 2003. happy birthday dammit! i mean for REAL. WOW. he weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and they say he would have probably been around 9 pounds had beth gone the full forty weeks. and 20 inches long. pretty large and in charge considering beth and i are skinny and pale.

i finally came up with a dig to go with the name that stuck from the moment i mentioned it which is Noah. the dig is Joseph. Noah Joseph. so while mom and all the rest are going on about Noah this and Noah that i am calling the kid Joe. that Joe kid? damn straight, look at the size of his hands!

i was front row and center for the proceedings which i don't mind telling you were graphic, intense, and not something i would really want to do again but also not an experience i would trade for any other i have had. i don't suppose there is much out there that can prepare you for such an occasion except for some non-slip footware, a strong stomach, and as much heart as you can spare. as for me, well my heart seems to come and go, and even when its coming its usually got the going on its mind. so nobody's perfect, yeah whatever and if there is an instinct out there available for men comparable to what new mommy's are said to have for thier children i don't think i can say i am hip to it just yet (i am sure I would have wept had it been anyone's child). i can tell you though that i am ecstatic that the kid is healthy and has all the right appendages in all the right places and that beth is recovering nicely from the procedure.

none of this isn't to say i wasn't at all emotional or deeply moved now or then by all of this because i am and i was. when they handed him to me in the operating room there wasn't much else running through my veins other than GRATITUDE and the only expression was in tears. it was a very happy moment for me if i have ever had one. easily my happiest.
make a confession

396 hz ??? [Aug.25.2015 @ 09:49am]
got this pure tone playing as i go through multiple practices this morning.

and a realization came to me... there is NOBODY i have ever met that I would rather *be* ...am i making sense? of course there are better, much better situations than this one BUT if it meant trading this brand of being... *the me* for another's being... no fucking way. and its just sort of crazy because I really am pretty fucked up... =)

how does this happen? my confidence feels real. although it is a little suspect that I was compelled to write it down, no no... its ok. this is an important reminder. as strange and tragic and selfish as you behave you got a real shot dude. a shot at what? um, I have no idea! and I'm totally ok with that and finding out in each moment. real time baby. REAL TIME.
1 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

the allowing [Aug.18.2015 @ 04:12pm]
my struggles with cocaine addiction ALLOW ME to be a resource for counsel to others, and be an example of courage and sobriety. I am grateful for all experience. I love you.

tf1440379413379[1].jpg

may i be free from addictive behaviors for the well being of all relationships and empowerment of humanity...?

1 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

narcissism creeps [Aug.15.2015 @ 02:20pm]


once upon a time a made a flash movie. my first. actually my only (so far=) inspired by the love i was feeling towards a woman i had recently met. this joint by my dear friend Matthew Herbert was the centerpiece. what is actually interesting is that I didn't realize the lyricist intended meaning. I forget her name right now. Mai Todd? it was about an unborn child.

not so sadly that movie i made is gone now but there is poignancy or should I say reverence only NOW... somehow... I'm too embarrassed to admit in this moment... and I have to wonder who am I really doing any of this for?

that's right. "me"

is it a choice to love "your" children? as somebody without a uterus its still not impossible to feel connected to another Being in this regard even without your conviction by the female. of course even then you don't really know... so... wow... am i being misogynist, chauvinist? nope. just demanding honesty from the only one I can actually expect that from. that's right. "me" again. crazily this *person* might be the most difficult to impart that from.

i feel better now. thank you for helping me. i realize my Love for these kids is in fact conditioning. (am i being awful?) mind you its a sweet conditioning, but that is a formula for cognitive dissonance...what appears to be the creeping inertia in mankind. a subconscious tendency for numbing the senses and cultivating apathy and whats worse, a mask of implied emotion rooted in the condition of dependence on cultural expectations..(ga!)..that (omg) feels real to the highly conditioned. Jesus this is fucked up. i really think I might be on to something here though. at least its "honest" and its not an excuse for being estranged from "my boys"...but it might be a subconscious reality. and not just for me but for any discombobulated sperm donor out there.

i think this is just one aspect of cognitive dissonance, one i can relate to, important in my continued cultivation of Truth, which I believe is the point blank terror of nothingness despite unrealized yet absolute creative power...and Being nothing, without choice, without grace, without memory,...without breath.

crazy. ( ̄. ̄)
5 went to purgatory ~ make a confession

i'm invisible. i'm invisible. i'm invisible.
[ you hated my | latest digressions ]
[ so go | into the closet ]

and a razor of love!




vmaximus


Contact : AimingAtAnArtery (Add Me, Send Message)
Contact : Restroom Walls (Read, Sign)


DISCLAIMER
[baby baby]

I am LAZY. I am a liar. I am jealous. I am vengeful. I am a hypocrite.

I am driven by fears that have not yet been fully realized.

I only seek to influence you because I can not accept my own ignorance.

Whenever I speak to you what I am really doing is talking to myself.

Mock me, Indict me, Judge me, Convict me, it only proves that you are quite simply, my kind.

QUITE!

BEWARE!

are you listening?

what does love got to do with it? why if god is good, are people allowed to suffer? i don't know who is weirder, you or me. what are you hiding from? are you being nice because you want something? where is my daddy, and why did he leave?